Wednesday, February 10, 2010

a post!

just a note to let you know i've injured my wrist and that makes typing difficult.

i shall return soon tho! more to post about for sure!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Just a quick post to say that my cats are completely and totally adorabuhls and will not let me type much tonight. They need luuuuuuuv.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Worthy of the Task

The amusing thing is that now I"m starting to really LIKE my house looking nice and getting irritated with seeing messes. I'm constantly picking up and doing stuff. And now when I do it, it is not a nagging voice that is in my head saying to do these things but a sort of almost cheerful voice reminding me how much I love it when I can find everything and know where stuff is. And telling me that I can do more in 15 minutes that I think I can so just try for 15 minutes and see what happens.

This last phenomenon is so amazing I can't even believe it. Seriously, I set a timer for 15 minutes and GO! And, wow, most stuff that I hated to do because it was "drudge work" is DONE in less than 15 minutes. So now, I just do a couple 15 minute bursts a day in each room that's already organized and it's super easy to upkeep.

Now, all of you that are looking at me like "DUUUUH! How did you not know this!" just...hush. I didn't know it. ANd now I do. And I like it. And my house likes it. So there nyah.

Am I perfect now? Heaven's no!!! There are three places yet to be organized:

Master Bedroom:
I still have to slog through all the crap that landed on the floor. I've gotten MOST of the clothing picked up and either hung up or sorted for wash. The rest of the shit on the floor will be easy. 95% is getting thrown out. The other 5% will get put away. All this is slated to happen on Friday night. I'm setting the timer for 30 minutes in there with small breaks in between until it's done. Really, 30 minutes more should get me through the grand majority of the clothing and a good chunk of the throwing shit out.

Craft Room:
Here it really amounts to just putting things where I want them. And maybe a little more purging of the stuff while I do that. I purged a LOT when I was cleaning it up, so there might not be that much to do.

There are a few remaining items from the remodel in there: a mirror that hung in one of the bathrooms at one time that I want to repurpose somehow, some old trim pieces that are going in the garbage next week and two open bags of sanded grout I couldn't return. (What DOES one do with extra bags of sanded grout that are already open? I really don't know. Anyone need sanded grout? I got some!)

Storage Garage:
This is a biggie. It will happen on a warm spring day. There will be massive purging of crap. There may be the rental of a dumpster involved. And at long last my books will make it into the house.

I'd like there to be shelving out there eventually, but I can wait on that. Mostly I really just want to go through it, throw out 3/4 of it and then organize the rest. Luckily, I had a fabulous friend help me make the first inroads to doing this when he aided me in getting my christmas decorations out. Now there is a dedicated space for them to go that is easily gotten to. Yay!


Part of me wants to sit and berate myself for taking so long for getting this together. I mean, honestly, I'm thirty*cough* and it took me this long to figure out how to keep a clean living area? And that I actually LIKE IT when things are organized so it's totally WORTH the little work to get things that way? Yeah, yeah it did. Some people never figure out what they actually like and that they are actually WORTH keeping things how they like. I'm very grateful I did so when I still have over half of my life left to enjoy it.



"As you develop your feelings of self-worth, your very purity and strength will begin to purge out anything and anyone negative surrounding you. You will also start to attract people and situations that honor who you truly are and enhance your own positive energy. Eventually, this will lead to changes in you external environment."

(Edited By) Caroline Reynolds,
from "Spiritual Fitness"

(Small sidebar: I attempt to make every effort to correctly attribute quotes to their original source. I found this quote on Gaia.com and I have attributed it as they had it there. If you ever see that I have made an error, please let me know, as I would like to correct it. Thank you!)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Brigid's Day

Yes, I have already posted something for today. No, this does not mean I am skipping tomorrow.

It's just that this happened across my web-sphere today and I want to participate:

It is time for the 5th Annual Brigid Poetry Festival !!! The lovely Anne Hill came up with this and I wish I had known of it before!

I found out about this over at the Walking in Beauty Blog which is written by a lovely acquaintance of mine (and someone I wish I could somehow spend more time with...read all his stuff if you've a mind to.)

If YOU decide to play along please PLEASE link to it in the comments so I can go read it. (And then everyone else can too!)

So, on this cold, but not too cold Brigid's Day and for the 5th Annual Brigid's Poetry Festival I offer up the following I wrote for an Imbolc ritual some years ago. I love it now as much as I did the day it was put in my head. It's not technically about Brigid, but she is referenced and I'm going to say that counts. :)

An Answer

You have asked and so I come.

Brought forth in darkness
to be the light
the heat of birth
the promise of the future

In the horns of stag under molt
In the leap of salmon under ice
In the hawk’s cry under cold sky
In the new shoots under snow
You have asked, and so I come.

My bride in white awaits
her defense for me to melt
make her mine
and begin again.




“I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled [poets] to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean.”
-Socrates

Tribal Ties

Did I say I wasn't going to write on the topic of ties here this month?

I lied.

I have had a lot of opportunity these last two years to look at the ties I have in my life. There are my family, to whom I am inexorably tied, world without end, Amen. I wouldn't have it any other way - they truly are THERE for me. And there is my other family, my family by choice. Who are also very THERE for me.

One I have had no issues explaining to anyone. Everyone pretty much understands the concept of family closeness and that you are there for one another and that you put up with the crazy because well, they're FAMILY.

The other, well, that has been far more of a sticky wicket. Especially with dating. You tell someone you are poly and they say they understand it. But then they end up saying things like "Well, if we get serious, it will just be US, right?" or "Oh, we're looking for a third and that's it." or "What do you mean you want to 'keep' the current relationships you have now?" Clearly, these people are just not getting the point. Or, what is probably more the truth of the matter, I am not explaining it well enough. I come to that conclusion because the one variable in all aforementioned conversations that did not change was me.

It's hard to know how to express it though. That I want a "primary" relationship (Gods I despise those damn terms but i am not sure how else to say it.) that will blend and flow into my family of choice, some of whom I am physically involved with as well. It's a difficult concept to grasp, especially because most people assume its about the sex, the physical involvement. And, yeah, that is nice (very nice!) but that's not really the WHOLE point. If I wanted to just fuck people I would. But I want...I want...

and there is where I have stumbled on the words for so long. Until tonight. When I read a post by someone that used the word tribe.

Yes! That is the word! I want my TRIBE. The easy flow and ebb of folks who know and love one another regardless of physical involvement. Some of us are. Some of us aren't. But we're all happy with how things are and if we're not, we're okay with talking about that. We can hang out, play with the kids, watch stupid movies and no one is going to think twice if you feel like cuddling up with someone that isn't your legal spouse - and sometimes just for comfort because that person is really good to cuddle! Tribe with shared laughter and tears.

Yes, Tribe.

Now that I have a word, maybe I can make people understand more. Or not. But at least I can put a word to it.



“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” \
-Jane Howard

Monday, February 1, 2010

February NaBloPoMo

Well, I've decided to try again at this blogging every day thing.

I have the pretty pink logo to the right to declare myself to the world as someone who is attempting this. I don't know if it will work out, but I'm willing to try. And isn't that really the whole point to anything? Just to give it your best and try? Heck, if I wasn't all for trying stuff I would have never found dance, wouldn't know the joy of pedicures, and I certainly wouldn't be the very sexually well rounded *ahem* person that I am today!

The theme for the month is "Ties" and I"m not sure how I will address that, if at all. I am still letting that perk about in my brain a bit. It can have so many delicious connotations.

If you are new here, I will say that I do, on occasion, write about sex. If you are not one who likes to read about sex, i will put something in the title (say, the word "sex") and you can skip right along and come back the next day which will 99% of the time be about something totally mundane (say,knitting; although knitting is not really mundane, its quite exciting and thrilling the way I do it. Heh.)

I hope that you enjoy your visits here and that my yammering on means something to you. So, here's to a fab month of updates! Go NaBloPoMo!!!


www.nablopomo.com

“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”
-Beverly Sills

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Re-Birth Mother

It seems that every week there is a "thing" on Facebook where you are supposed to put a picture up that relates to said "thing". One week it was old photos of yourself, one week it was fictional characters that you identify with, this week it is "Doppleganger Week" and one is supposed to post photos of some personage you are mistaken for, preferably a famous person.

For myself, I am most often mistaken for some random person named "Debbie". I have been stopped innumerable times by strangers calling out! "DEBBIE!!! OMG! I haven't seen you in forEVER!!" Whoever this Debbie person is, she has some very nice friends, lemme tell ya.

The most silly thing I have been mistaken for is a German. While in Europe. On my honeymoon. Okay, I packed so that everything I took coordinated with everything else and for some odd reason everything happened to be black or grey. Okay, so I had a haircut that included bangs which does make me look decidedly Eastern Bloc. But why was I German? Two reasons: 1) I spoke Spanish or French to the waiter I had every morning in the hotel, and clearly an American would not do that. And 2) I stood up straight. This last opinion was given by an AMERICAN woman walking behind my then husband and I as to why she and her companion couldn't ask us for directions.

However, the most astute look alike statement came from a dear friend who posited that I look like the love child of Bette Midler and Bernadette Peters. I am inclined to agree and if my photoshop skills were up to the task I would whip up said conglomeration and post it on my Facebook page toute de suite!

As to whom I feel I resemble most, I am firmly in the Bette Midler camp. Mostly on personality these days. And, I would kill to have her body. (Yes, Ms. Midler, I would KILL to have those curves!) Plus I'm feeling a bit like her character in "Ruthless People" these days. You know, Barbara Stone? The woman who is kidnapped and uses the time to transform herself into someone else?

Yeah, I am feeling a bit like that. I may even put a picture of Barbara Stone in my cubicle or bathroom to remind myself to use this time wisely. LOL!

It seems my separated-at-birth-mother plays a lot of strong, amazing, transformational women. I gotta say that I like that, and always have. And in that case, The Divine Miss M is a pretty good person to be mistaken for.


"I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringe"
-Bette Midler

Friday, January 29, 2010

Sunlight

This is the first day in I don't know how many days that the sun has been out where I live. right now, I am sitting at my kitchen table looking out the window at the snow on the ground reflecting back the light at me.

Sunlight is important for me. I have S.A.D. and so to me sunlight is VERY important. I feel very tied to the progression of the earth around the sun,and while most people often think of think of the end of January as the middle of winter I have already begun to take comfort in the fact that the days are longer once again. It's no longer dark when I leave for work and come home again. On the weekends, when I let myself wake up naturally, I'm waking up earlier. It's a nice feeling to have so much more day in my day.

I kind of feel like the last few years have been a very long winter for me and that just now the light is coming back in. I'm very much enjoying the moments I have every day where I am able to step back and realize that I'm doing things for just me. It's a very nice thing. Heady, even. It's just so lovely to feel the sun on my skin and feel at home there again.





“Today a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it”
-Ninon de Lenclos

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bake Sale Goodies!



Uploaded by www.cellspin.net


These are some of the cute things that we made the other night for our Relay for Life bake sale. They will have clear acetate covers so you can see the adorableness that has been created within.

And before you dismiss this bake sale as a "cute idea", understand that we raised $1600.00 last year with this. What can I say, cute sells baby!

And if cute sells, sell it we will. It's for a cause that is near and dear to us.



Women agonize... over cancer; we take as a personal threat the lump in every friend's breast.
~Martha Weinman Lear, Heartsounds

Testing, 1-2-3

This is a test of the emergency blogging system

In case of an actual emergency you would have been directed to the end of the internet.

This is only a test, no reason to be alarmed at all, really.

Except of course, if tests make you nervous.

In that case, take some deep breaths.

Visualize something nice.

Bunnies are nice.

You like bunnies, right?

No? Why not?

Bunnies are cute and fluffy! They are sweet and nose-wiggly!

You should really like bunnies

I don't know if this is the blog for you if you don't like bunnies.

Think about that.

Srsly.

Why I Keep Clicking

(I am attempting to post this via a new method. Bear with my while I figure
things out! Thank you!)

I am having a bit of a dilemma. I keep telling myself that I should stop
looking at these dating sties and stop wondering when I am going to meet
someone and just BE for a while. Because, really, I'm not having much
luck. And, really, when it comes right down to it I'm not sure I'm ready
for that.

And yet...

Each night I click into a website and feel excitement any time there are new
messages in my inbox. And when a particularly GOOD message shows up, well,
then I hope that maybe things could be on the upswing. So far, nothing has
panned out and that is okay. I have met wonderful people and this not so
wonderful people I have met have helped me clarify what it is I am looking
for and what I am NOT looking for. There have been some - very few - close
calls (for lack of a better term) but things just didn't work out.

Many counsel me not to jump into things or counsel me to patience. And I
try to take their advice. The Miss B, though, is not a solitary creature.
And although I am appreciative of this time I have right now to be along and
delve into my self again, it still feels very unnatural.

So, even though I tell myself I should give it a rest, I keep clicking,
emailing, chatting up cute strangers int eh grocery store, smilte at the
nice man at the gas station etc etc because MY vision for my life includes a
partner, a family, a clan and friends all flowing in and out of "home and
while I don't know the "how" of achieving it, I do know I don't want to miss
the opportunity when it presents itself.

You create your opportunities by asking for them
-Shakti Gawain

Release any expectations you may have of how you think your dreams will
come true, Barbara, but by all means, with every fiber of your being, expect
that they will, as you busy yourself enjoying who and where you already
are.

-Notes from the Universe

Monday, January 18, 2010

Helluva Start

Here I sit, looking at the blank screen wondering what I am going to write? Wondering why it is that I write. Wondering for whom it is that I am writing.

The answer to that last one is difficult, because although I am writing for myself I am also wanting this to be read. Or I would just type away on my computer and not make things public. So, I am also wondering where this need to be public comes from.

I think part of it is a bit of narcissism. I have never claimed to NOT be a vain, vain, girl. And the thought of someone reading something I have written is enticing. It is kind of a crazy artistic thing - I love writing, and I love words but I really want the people who are reading them to like them too! And then I want them to tell me they liked them. LOL! I would think this holds true for most writers. (Feel free to disagree in the comments if you are a writer, this is pure conjecture on my part.)

I think part of putting this stuff out here in the big, bad, cyber-verse is also a way to make connections. To see what others might think about what I write about. And get feedback...and possibly tips on knitting.

Mostly though, I am attempting some form of accountability with my writing - to feel that I do have people who might be waiting to see what I am going to say next so that I have something to combat the eternal and infinite excuses I can find to not write every day. Or even every other day. Or on any kind of schedule.

This is all part of taking stock of what truly matters to me in this life and what does not. All part of defining who I am. What I have been for most of my life is a writer. Why then do I push it away so much? When did I stop doing this thing that I love so much and why do I keep shying away from it?

Why do I keep shying away from my true self?


I don't know the answer to that one yet, but I do know that I am going to take steps towards no longer denying myself these things that lie at the heart of who I am.



It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Aftermath

There is something fine about the stillness of a house after people have been in it. All afternoon there were guests in and out and this place was filled with the happy noise of conversation.

I was pleased to see that all my people from different aspects of my life mixed well together and found pleasant conversation to make with one another while I played hostess.

I was exceptionally pleased when the children showed up and tumbled around the place investigating. Dancing toddlers were the afternoon's entertainment. The whole of my family-by-choice fit in here very nicely.

Now, I sit in the quiet of the aftermath, listening to the hum of the dishwasher cleaning up coffee cups. I finally feel that after nearly a year, my tiny house feels like a home.


"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule."

~Frederick W. Robertson

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Knitting

One of the things that I got for a gift this Christmas was the money to get things to organize my craft room. When I was asked if this was something I would like, I nearly leapt through the phone at the person making the offer. Like!? I would LOVE to be able to do that.

I have these lovely dreams that involve having a really great space to do my papercrafting and stamping and a lovely organized walk in closet where my knitting and silk dyeing supplies live and are easily accessible. A whole space that really is all about creating.

I am itching to begin putting this all together.

One of the main benefits will be that I will know where everything is. Including patterns. Maybe even the sock pattern that I have knitted one full and one half sock of. Then I lost the pattern.

A few days ago, I thought I had found that pattern again online. I printed it off and started to try it out but it soon became VERY clear that something was wrong. Because I am a new sock knitter, I assumed it was because of something I had done. I ripped out the new rows and began again. Still wrong. Clearly I am REALLY off somewhere, so I frogged the whole thing and recast on. And then again because I didn't have enough tail for the long tail cast on. And then AGAIN because I STILL didn't have enough. Then I began the pattern again.

And suddenly, about three rows into things, I realize that this is, despite the name being the same, NOT the same sock pattern AT ALL. If I continue this sock, I will have made one sock of one style and another of a different style.

I figure that these are my FIRST socks and I can just tell anyone who questions me that I was "experimenting with beginner patterns". I doubt I'll get the question as these are going to be "around the house socks" and anyone who is "around" MY house, will probably not question these things. Either way, I'm really going to be happy when things are more organized.

And, you know, when i finally knit socks that match each other....


"I want to write a sock pattern. It will go like this: Cast on. Rib until you are sick of it. Do the leg. Make the heel flap. Turn the heel. Pick up stitches and knit the gusset, decreasing as you go. Knit the foot as long as it needs to be. Decrease for the toe. Close up the hole at the toe. You're done."

-Lee B. (My own personal knitting muse and the reason I play with string. I may have misquoted this, and my apologies if I have!)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hold Out

I think the most interesting thing about getting back into the whole dating scene has been the complete glut of people who seem to know exactly what I want or need. Yes, exactly. Without question or even the semblance of doubt, these couples or men know what I need. Most of them know this within ONE meeting of me! Astounding, I tell you! Apparently, I am just THAT readable and easy to figure out. Or, they're completely delusional.

My money's on the latter since I'm still trying to figure out what it is "exactly' that I need.

What has been quite possibly the MOST insulting thing I've heard from anyone so far is the person who told me that I am being "ridiculous" by thinking that there is something at all like "romantic love" out there. I, according to this young man (for young he is, trust me.) was simply being "a hopeless chick" by "holding out" for such a silly, silly thing. I was a bit saddened that someone so young as he was already so cynical about life and relationships.

This young man, btw, offered me such a fabulous offer, I'm still shocked that I turned it down! He, in all his fabulous knowing of what I need, offered to train me as his slave and he would offer me in return, the "care of a master for his property". You know, since that's all a slave should expect from life.

I think the number ONE thing wrong with his offer is that, actually, I'm NOT a slave nor do I really have any desire to be.

The number ONE-A thing wrong is the lack of love.

Because, even though I don't know EXACTLY what I need on any given day, I know one thing for damn sure: I not only will continue to hold out for love because it is definitely something I need but by all the Gods because I deserve it.


“They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.”

-Henry Rollins

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year

Welcome to my newest little corner of the internetz!

I had a blog over at amicableseparation.blogspot.com that spoke about the year or so after my ex left.

I decided that I was pretty much written out on that topic so I decided to change things up and start writing here about, well, about ME.

Who am I? There really is no simple answer to that and actually, I am figuring that out on a daily basis. (Hence, the title of this blog.)

So, welcome and I hope what is to come here is something you will enjoy!


“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”
-Edith Lovejoy Pierce